I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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