His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
