i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I need a burrito and a hug.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
