I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
