well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
operation harelip BJ is a go
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
