boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
