I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
