God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
someone threw a dead crab at me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
