just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
