I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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