Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it was like eating out sand paper
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
