I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
