you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
