dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
