Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize