i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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