Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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