and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
