Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize