i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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