P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
