I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
