Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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