So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
