I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
