Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
