As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
