my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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