Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
