What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You pole danced in your parka.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
