I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize