I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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