Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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