i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
