Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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