When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize