If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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