i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
