when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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