wanna go halves on a baby?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
