clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
