I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
