she woke up with a sticky ear
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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