I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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