I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize