I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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