Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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