like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
