Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
