Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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