sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
