Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
