i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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