i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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