So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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