my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
