So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
