found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
