I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
