why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
