When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
