Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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