Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
