Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
