She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
