i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
