I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
