So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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